Humans and sex go hand in hand. When we reach adulthood, our body's mechanisms are designed to be happy during sex, stimulating the release of hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin, which create feelings of satisfaction and emotional connection with our partners. This happiness comes from the mechanisms that nature uses to promote the continuation of the human species. However, not every time we have sex, we will always be happy. One of the reasons for this is the pain during sex. Research shows that 64.6% of couples will feel pain during sex but do not dare to tell their partner. This is the reason why 1 in 4 couples are unhappy with sex and do not want to have sex again. So today, we are writing an article to find out what causes this and how we can fix it. Let's see!
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Content in this article
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How does pain during sex affect your relationship?
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Physical causes of pain during intercourse
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Causes of pain that come from mental and emotional sources
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Correcting and relieving pain during intercourse
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Adjusting sexual position to prevent physical pain
How can we communicate with our partner without making them feel bad?
How does pain during sex affect your relationship?
Pain during intercourse not only affects the body, but also creates “emotional wounds” that unknowingly impact the relationship. Many couples start with minor discomfort, but left unaddressed, it can escalate into a complex problem that is difficult to manage. When painful experiences are stored in the brain, the body develops “Anticipatory Pain” reactions , anticipating pain even before it occurs. This results in stress, pelvic muscle tension, and unconscious avoidance of sex. This behavior causes couples to fall into a cycle of “fear of pain → avoidance → distancing.” The relationship gradually cools due to the lack of physical intimacy. The key solution is positive communication and identifying the root cause together. Because if both partners are open, talk to each other, and change their behavior to solve the problem, or consult a specialist, they can create a healthy relationship with their partner.
Physical causes of pain during intercourse
Pain during intercourse can have a number of physical causes, impacting both your sexual experience and your relationship's quality of life. Understanding these causes is an important first step in addressing the issue and improving your sexual relationship. Physical causes are often divided into two main categories: superficial pain and deep pain, each with its own causes and management strategies.
Vaginal dryness
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Lack of sexual stimulation before intercourse can also cause the vagina to not be sufficiently moist, leading to friction and pain. In many cases, this is due to a decrease in estrogen, which causes the vaginal walls to thin and lack natural lubrication. This is often seen in women who are menopausal, after childbirth, or while breastfeeding.
Infection or inflammation
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Yeast and bacteria: cause vaginal inflammation, burning, itching, and abnormal vaginal discharge.
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Sexually transmitted diseases: such as gonorrhea, herpes, genital inflammation, or sores.
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Irritation from chemicals: Soaps, shower creams, laundry detergents, or condoms that contain allergenic ingredients.
Gynecological diseases
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Endometriosis: Endometrial tissue that should be inside the uterus grows outside the uterus, causing chronic inflammation and deep pain in the pelvis.
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Chocolate cyst: A fluid-filled sac formed from menstrual blood that collects in the ovary and presses on surrounding organs.
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Pelvic abscess: A severe infection that results in pus.
Vaginismus
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Involuntary contractions of the vaginal muscles, often related to stress or psychological anxiety, can result in inability to penetrate or a painful, blocked sensation.
Injury or laceration
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After a cesarean section or episiotomy
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Sex is too violent
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Wounds from skin diseases or herpes infections
Superficial and deep pain
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Superficial pain : Occurs around the vaginal opening or external genitalia. It is often painful due to inflammation of some skin, abrasions, or insufficient lubrication.
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Deep pain : Pain felt deep in the lower abdomen or pelvis is often associated with conditions such as endometriosis, chocolate cysts, or inflammation of the uterus.
Causes of pain that come from mental and emotional sources 
We shouldn't overlook the impact of our mental and emotional states. Humans are complex creatures. Our response to sex isn't solely physical, but is directly linked to our mental and emotional states. A poor mental state can lead to a poor physical state. A poor mental state or anxiety can directly affect our physical response, causing muscle tension and a decrease in natural lubrication, which can lead to pain.
Stress and anxiety
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Pressure from daily life, work, or even self-imposed expectations can cause the vagina to become dry and lack elasticity. If a partner pressures you to have sex without considering the other person's feelings, this stress can trigger the vaginal muscles to contract, causing pain that feels like an obstruction.
Negative past sexual experiences
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People who have a history of physical or emotional abuse during sex often harbor these memories as "until-healed emotional wounds." The brain remembers the pain and automatically triggers a physical reaction whenever the thought of being intimate with a partner occurs, even if the event has been long ago. Some people may experience obvious physical symptoms, such as severe vaginal muscle spasms or pain whenever they are touched.
Relationship problems between couples
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Mistrust, unresolved conflict, or a lack of deep communication can lead to decreased feelings of intimacy. When these negative emotions build up, the body can react subconsciously. For example, a couple who have just had a fight may feel that sex is just a “duty” rather than a bonding activity, resulting in a lack of emotional preparedness that can lead to pain.
Fear of sex
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Some people may develop fears from being criticized for their sexual performance or from past trauma. The brain automatically creates a "circuit of paranoia," such as fear of being hurt again, fear of pregnancy, or fear of sexually transmitted diseases, even when there are no actual risk factors. These fears trigger physical tension, decreased lubrication, and pain even in positions that should be relaxing.
Correcting and relieving pain during intercourse
Pain during intercourse can be addressed and alleviated with appropriate methods, including behavioral adjustments, physical and mental care, and understanding communication with your partner. Start by opening up and talking to each other. Choose a time when both of you are ready, and use positive language, such as, "We want this time to be enjoyable for both of us. Why don't we try adjusting our position or rhythm?" Avoid blaming or comparing each other to avoid feeling attacked. Communication helps to understand each other better and find solutions together.
Forcing sex when your body or mind isn't ready can increase pain and create accumulated stress. Be straightforward with your partner, such as, "I'm not feeling well today. Maybe next time." Or, even if you're ready but still have vaginal dryness, use a water-based lubricant, which doesn't cause irritation and is safe to use with condoms. If symptoms don't improve after trying self-treatment, consult a doctor, therapist, or sex specialist to rule out physical causes, such as infections or uterine abnormalities, and get advice on restoring your emotional connection with your partner.
A body pillow helps prevent physical pain.
One of the products we designed to prevent physical pain is the Mr. Big x NANAKE555 pillow, which is designed based on ergonomics to solve the problem of pain during intercourse due to inappropriate postures. It is designed based on data on human behavior and body mechanisms by adjusting the pelvic support angle to be in a natural position, resulting in contact with the sensitive A-spot and G-spot, reducing pressure on muscles and joints. It is the perfect size for movement during intimate activities, distributing weight evenly, reducing stiffness or fatigue in the back and hips, and includes shock-absorbing materials to prevent sudden injuries. Every detail is thought out to make both partners feel relaxed, safe, and enjoy sexual activities.
Channels for ordering pillows
Website : Soey Pillow mr.big x NANAKE555
Shopee : Pillow Sey™ from mr.big x NANAKE555, a pillow for couples, designed by physical therapists.
How can we communicate with our partner without making them feel bad?
Communicating about pain during sex requires “gentle, direct communication.” Start by choosing an intimate moment when both partners are relaxed and using open body language, such as eye contact and handshaking, to show that you see the issue as a team, not just one person’s problem. Use positive, collaborative statements, such as “Can we work it out together?” instead of pointing fingers and saying, “You hurt me?” Avoid speaking up in the middle of a conflict and use “we” instead of “you” to minimize perceived attack. Also, listen to your partner’s perspective without judgment. If your partner feels guilty or embarrassed, reiterate that the goal is to better understand their body. Starting the conversation with a compliment, such as “We enjoy being intimate, but we want it to be even better,” creates a safe environment for both partners to express their true needs. Understanding emotional triggers is a delicate matter, and it requires “non-judgmental listening” from your partner to unravel the underlying issues. When the mind is ready, the body will naturally respond without causing pain to interfere with the relationship.
